The thin line between love and hate.

I don't understand sometimes. I don't understand why bad things happen to good people. I don't understand how people can be so cruel and selfish. I don't understand how love and hate have such a thin line. Everyday I wake up wondering how I will feel about him today. Will I break down and cry and debate on checking in on him or will I be filled with hate. In honesty though I could never fully hate him. No matter what is going on everytime something happens that is worth telling he's the first person I go too. With everything that's been going on I just can't let go because I can't deal with losing my best friend too. Sometimes I think I hold on to the old him too much. That was the boy I was in love with and my best friend. That was the boy who made me the happiest i've ever been in my life. That was the boy who cried because I cried and who cared about me more than anything, atleast that's what I thought. That boy isn't the boy who came back from his trip during the summer. The boy that came back is a totally different person. It's hard to love someone so much and not know how to help them. Still trying to be best friends probably doesn't help get over him or the pain. It's hard to be best friends with someone when everytime you see them tagged in a picture with a girl or writing on their wall or telling them how beautiful they are on their pictures on facebook you feel yourself die a little bit inside. There will always be that part of me that wishes I could go back to the days when we would just sit in silence and he would hold me and stroke my hair and tell me he loved me. How all that changed so quickly I will never understand and that's something I have come to deal with. I will never regret anything though. If it wasn't for him I wouldn't be the person I am today. Being in love teaches you to love yourself too. I know what I want now and I am much more cautious with my heart which has already saved me some heartache. I can only try to imagine things will get better. I'll either meet someone new who I may love even more than him or he will get over this new chapter of his life and realize what he lost. When he's not driving me insane I sometimes let myself hope for the second option. The line between love and hate is a thin line I ride with him everyday and it's emotional at times but it's better than feeling nothing at all.